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The Strongest Signs That a Romance Is Over

Source link: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/why-bad-looks-good/202212/the-strongest-signs-that-a-romance-is-over

How to tell when your partner is “quiet quitting” your relationship.

Research corroborates the reality that in romance, the end is often predictable. The evidence suggests that the strongest sign that a romance is over is arguably not what a partner says or does, but how he makes the other feel.

In other words, if you sense your partner has moved on emotionally, he probably has. Although he might still perform the relational bare minimum, such as dutifully calling every day, a partner’s “quiet quitting” may be obvious in other ways, such as through the choice to increasingly make plans alone or with others. While it’s tempting to wonder if you are “just too sensitive,” or assume you must have done something to prompt your partner to pull away, actions speak louder than words—and a partner’s behavior speaks volumes.

Lack of Intimacy Predicts Breakup

Yoobin Park et al. (2021) investigated the link between a lack of intimacy and the likelihood of relationship dissolution. [i] They found that partners who perceived lower levels of reward in their relationship were more likely headed for a breakup. They discovered this effect was significant even after controlling for relationship satisfaction and attachment insecurity.

Operationalizing reward in a way that captured different features of intimacy such as connection, love, and self-disclosure, the findings of Park et al. validate the importance of intimacy within a romantic relationship, corroborating previous findings that intimate connection is one of the fundamental reasons people stay in a relationship. They also note that because there may be a difference in the extent to which people value intimacy or consider it a “reward,” there may also be a difference in the reward’s predictive power for a breakup. Park et al. report that their exploratory analyses yielded support for this possibility by demonstrating that reward did not predict breakup as strongly for people who place less value on intimacy.

Recognizing When the End is Near

1. Building boundaries. Some partners begin to withdraw by building walls instead of bridges. This may occur physically, such as when a partner seeks to spend more time in a different room, or emotionally, through decreased information sharing. However it is manifest, building boundaries is a roadblock to relational development, signaling the beginning of a future apart.

2. Withdrawing affection. If your partner has lost interest in intimacy and romance, you most likely want to know why. Barring significant life changes such as a cancer diagnosis, or the loss of a job or loved one, which can be associated with withdrawal and depression, withdrawing affection is often a sign that the relationship is faltering.

3. Seeking socialization. A partner who is gravitating towards meeting new people or attending events solo may be demonstrating a preference for singlehood. You can respectfully inquire into the reasons or rationale for the change in preference, but consider whether there will ever be an acceptable answer to the desire to spend time socializing without you.

Noticing the presence or absence of the features of intimacy noted by Park et al., such as connection, love, and self-disclosure, can make it easier to notice when your partner is disengaging. Here are a few signs.

Beginning a New Chapter

If your relationship does come to an end, remember that a failed relationship is not the end of the world; indeed, it can be the beginning of a fresh chapter in your life. There is nothing about romantic rejection that defines you; breakups happen to most people at some point, and many breakups have more to do with the partner who prompts the dissolution. If a breakup was indeed provoked by your behavior, you can learn from it and move on, stronger and wiser.

References

[i] Park, Yoobin, Emily A. Impett, Stephanie S. Spielmann, Samantha Joel, and Geoff MacDonald. 2021. “Lack of Intimacy Prospectively Predicts Breakup.” Social Psychological and Personality Science 12 (4): 442–51. doi:10.1177/1948550620929499.

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Learn To Love Yourself First. — Deborah Byrne Psychology Services

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In order to know what you deserve you must love yourself first. Take the time to recognise all your strengths. Celebrate all your successes. Surround everything you do with kindness and self-compassion for yourself. Practice self-care, gratitude and build your positive mindset daily. So for today: How will you love yourself first? The post…

via Learn To Love Yourself First. — Deborah Byrne Psychology Services

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12 Inspiring Love Quotes

1. Love sought is good, but given unsought, is better.

—William Shakespeare

2. The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in.

—Morrie Schwartz

3. I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.

—Roy Croft

4. At the touch of love everyone becomes a poet.

—Plato

5. The supreme happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved—loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.

—Victor Hugo

6. We are shaped and fashioned by what we love.

—Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

7. The excesses of love soon pass, but its insufficiencies torment us forever.

—Mignon McLaughlin

8. The way to love anything is to realize that it may be lost.

—Gilbert K. Chesterton

9. Love is of all passions the strongest, for it attacks simultaneously the head, the heart and the senses.

—Lao Tzu

10. The only thing we never get enough of is love; and the only thing we never give enough of is love.

—Henry Miller

11. If I had a flower for every time I thought of you… I could walk through my garden forever.

—Alfred Tennyson

12. The greatest healing therapy is friendship and love.

—Hubert H. Humphrey

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Can a Narcissist Love?

Source Link: https://psychcentral.com/lib/can-a-narcissist-love/?li_source=LI&li_medium=popular17

Anyone who’s loved a narcissist wonders, “Does he really love me?” “Does she appreciate me?” They’re torn between their love and their pain, between staying and leaving, but can’t seem to do either. Some swear they’re loved; others are convinced they’re not. It’s confusing because sometimes they experience the caring person they love, whose company is a pleasure, only to be followed by behavior that makes them feel unimportant or inadequate.

Narcissists claim to love their family and partners, but do they?

Romance vs. Love

Narcissists may show passion in the early stages of dating. But that sort of passion, according to Jungian analyst Robert Johnson, “is always directed at our own projections, our own expectations, our own fantasies … It is a love not of another person, but of ourselves.” Such relationships provide positive attention and sexual satisfaction to support a narcissist’s ego and self-esteem.

For most narcissists, their relationships are transactional. Their objective is to enjoy uncommitted pleasure (Campbell et al., 2002). They’re playing a game, and winning is the goal. They’re engaging and energetic and possess emotional intelligence that helps them perceive, express, understand, and manage emotions (Dellic et al., 2011). This helps them manipulate people to win their love and admiration. They brag to be respected, loved, and gratified. Additionally, their good social skills allow them to make a good initial first impression.

They can show great interest in romantic prospects and seduce with generosity, expressions of love, flattery, sex, romance, and promises of commitment. Amorous narcissists (Don Juan and Mata Hari types) are adept and persuasive lovers and may have many conquests, yet remain single. Some narcissists lie and/or practice love-bombing by overwhelming their prey with verbal, physical, and material expressions of love.

Narcissists lose interest as the expectation of intimacy increases or when they’ve won at their game. Many have trouble sustaining a relationship more than six months to a few years. They prioritize power over intimacy and loathe vulnerability, which they consider weak (Lancer, 2014). To maintain control, they avoid closeness and prefer dominance and superiority over others. Game-playing thus strikes the perfect balance to both get their needs met and keep their options open to flirt or date multiple partners (Campbell et al., 2002).

A sudden breakup can be traumatic to their ex, who is bewildered by their unexpected change of heart — proposing one minute, and then exiting the next. They feel confused, crushed, discarded, and betrayed. If the relationship had continued, eventually they would have seen through the narcissist’s seductive veneer.

Some narcissists are pragmatic in their approach to relationships, focusing on their goals. They may also develop positive feelings toward their partner, but more based on friendship and shared interests. If they marry, they lack the motivation to maintain their romantic façade, and employ defenses to avoid closeness. They become cold, critical and angry, especially when they’re challenged or don’t get their way. They’re likely to support their spouse’s needs and wants only when it’s inconvenient and their ego is satisfied. After devaluing their partner, they need to look elsewhere to prop up their inflated ego.

How is love defined?

Real love is not romance, and it’s not codependency. For Aristotle and St. Thomas Aquinas, it’s “to will the good of another.” In The Psychology of Romantic Love (1980), Nathaniel Branden states that “To love a human being is to know and love his or her person.” It’s a union of two individuals, which requires that we see another person as separate from ourselves. Further, in The Art of Loving (1945), Erich Fromm emphasizes that love entails effort to develop knowledge, responsibility, and commitment. We must be motivated to know another’s wants, needs, and feelings and provide encouragement and support. We take pleasure in their happiness and try not to hurt them.

When we love, we show active concern for their life and growth. We try to understand their experience and worldview, though it may differ from ours. Caring involves offering attention, respect, support, compassion, and acceptance. We must devote the necessary time and discipline. Romantic love can evolve into love, but narcissists aren’t motivated to really know and understand others (Ritter et al., 2010).

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, narcissists “lack empathy and have difficulty recognizing desires, subjective experiences, and feelings of others” (p. 670). Research shows that they have structural abnormalities in brain regions associated with emotional empathy (Schulze et al., 2013). Hence, their ability to appropriately respond emotionally and express care and concern is significantly impaired.

Narcissists have s several hurdles to loving. First, they neither see themselves nor others clearly. First, they experience people as extensions of themselves, rather than separate individuals with differing needs, desires, and feelings. Second, they overestimate their own emotional empathy (Ritter et al., 2010). Third, their defenses distort their perceptions and interactions with others. They brag and withdraw to control closeness and vulnerability, project onto others unwanted, negative aspects of themselves, and they use denial, entitlement, and narcissistic abuse, including blame, contempt, criticism, and aggression, to ward off shame. Perfectionistic narcissists callously put down others and may attempt to destroy adversaries in order to sustain their illusion of perfection (Lancer, 2017). All these issues impair narcissists’ capacity to accurately take in another person’s reality, including that person’s love for them. In fact, narcissists emotional intelligence helps them manipulate and exploit others to get what they want, while their impaired emotional empathy desensitizes them to the pain they inflict.

Can we measure love?

Love is difficult to measure, but research shows that people feel love expressed by: 1) words of affirmation, 2) spending quality time, 3) giving gifts, 4) acts of service, and 5) physical touch (Goff, et al. 2007). Another study revealed that participants also felt loved by a partner who: 1) showed interest in their affairs; 2) gave them emotional and moral support; (3) disclosed intimate facts; 4) expressed feelings for them, such as “I’m happier when I’m near you”; and 5) tolerated their demands and flaws in order to maintain the relationship (Swenson, 1992, p. 92).

Conclusion

People who love narcissists are starved for many of these expressions of love. Sometimes, narcissists are remote, dismissive, or aggressive; other times, they show care and concern and are helpful. It’s not that narcissists are incapable of feeling or even intellectually understanding someone’s feelings. The problem appears to be rooted in childhood trauma and physiological deficits that impact emotional assessment, mirroring, and appropriate empathic expression. (Unconscious or unexpressed: “I love you, but”); Expressed: “I’m too busy to come to the hospital,” sounds pretty cold, but may not reflect the narcissist’s love for the person hospitalized. When the importance of a visit is explained to them, they might make the trip.

They may show love when they’re motivated. Their love is conditional, depending upon impact on the narcissist. My book Dealing with a Narcissist explains in detail how to navigate and beneficially use this in relationships with narcissists, addicts, or anyone highly defensive. Because narcissism exists on a continuum from mild to malignant, when it’s severe, selfishness and inability to express love become more apparent when greater demands are placed on a narcissist. Dating or long-distance relationships that have fewer expectations are easier.

Bottom line: Wondering whether a narcissist loves you is the wrong question. Although it’s wise to understand a narcissist’s mind, like Echo in the myth of Narcissus, partners overly focus on the narcissist to their detriment. Instead, ask yourself whether you feel valued, respected, and cared about. Are you getting your needs met? If not, how is that affecting you and your self-esteem and what can you do about that?

References:

American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). Arlington, VA: American Psychiatric Publishing.

Branden, N. (1980). The Psychology of Romantic Love.  Los Angeles: J.P. Tarcher, Inc.

Campbell, W.K, Finkel, E.J., & Foster, C.A. (2002). Does self-love lead to love for others? A story of narcissistic game playing, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 83(2), 340-354. Retrieved from https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/5a8d/b3534f5398d42cfd0160ca14f92fd6bf05e5.pdf

Delic, A., Novak, P., Kovacic, J., & Avsec, A. (2011). Self-reported emotional and social intelligence and empathy as distinctive predictors of narcissism” Psychological Topics 20(3), 477-488.  Retrieved from https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/0fe0/2aba217382005c8289b4607dc721a16e11e7.pdf

Fromm, E., (1956). The Art of Loving. New York: Harper & Brothers Publishers.

Goff, B. G., Goddard, H. W., Pointer, L., & Jackson, G. B. (2007). Measures of expressions of love. Psychological Reports, 101, 357-360. https://doi.org/10.2466/pr0.101.2.357-360

Johnson, R. A. (1945). We, Understanding the psychology of Romantic Love. San Francisco: Harper & Row Publishers.

Lancer, D.A. (2017). “I’m Not Perfect, I’m Only Human” – How to Beat Perfectionism. Los Angeles: Carousel Books.

Lancer, D.A. (2014). Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You. Center City: Hazelden Foundation.

Ritter, K., et al. (2010). Lack of empathy in patients with narcissistic personality disorder, Psychiatry Research. Retrieved from https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/2fe3/32940c369886baccadb14fd5dfcbc5f5625f.pdf.

Schultze, L., et al. (2013) Gray matter abnormalities in patients with narcissistic personality disorder. Psychiatric Research, 47(10), 1363–1369. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jpsychires.2013.05.017

Swenson, C. (1972). The Behavior of Love. In H.A. Otto (Ed.) Love Today (pp. 86-101). New York: Dell Publishing.

© Darlene Lancer 2018

 

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17 Interesting Psychological Facts About Love

1. Most of us tend to be attracted to people who are similar to ourselves.

2. We ignore the ones who adore us and pay attention to those who ignore us.

3. Looking into each other’s eyes can make strangers fall in love.

4. It only takes up to 4 minutes to decide whether you like someone or not.

5. Falling in love has a similar neurological effect as getting high on cocaine.

6. Butterflies in the stomach are real and they’re actually caused by adrenaline.

7. The longer you hide your feelings for someone, the harder you fall for that person.

8. 90% people text things they can’t say in person.

9. People at the same level of attractiveness are more likely to end up together.

10. Romantic love is biochemically indistinguishable from having a severe obsessive-compulsive disorder.

11. Feeling ignored causes the same chemical effect as that of an injury.

12. The very last person on your mind before you fall asleep and the first person on your mind when you wake up is either the reason for your happiness or your pain.

13. Looking at a picture of a loved one can help to relieve pain and stress.

14. The brain treats rejection like physical pain.

15. It is possible to die from a broken heart. It is called Stress Cardiomyopathy.

16. Once you fall in love, there is no going back to being friends again. So, you can’t be a friend with the person you loved after you broke up. If you can still stay as friends, you have never been in love with that person.

17. Hearts have nothing to do with the feeling of ‘being in love.’ It is only a chemical reaction happening in your brain.

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10 Womanhood Quotes

1. The divine light which you carry within your soul is inherited from God because you are His daughter. Part of the light which makes you so magnificent is the blessing of womanhood.

—Margaret D. Nadauld

2. What women really want is opportunity and the freedom to love and accept all aspects of womanhood—the intellectual, spiritual, professional, biological and relational dimensions of who we are.

—Rachel Campos-Duffy

3. Anything may happen when womanhood has ceased to be a protected occupation.

—Virginia Woolf

4. Blessed be she who is both furious and magnificent.

—Taylor Rhodes

5. The world has enough women who know how to be smart. It needs women who are willing to be simple. The world has enough women who know how to be brilliant. It needs some who will be brave. The world has enough women who are popular. It needs more who are pure. We need women, and men, too, who would rather be morally right than socially correct.

—Peter Marshall

6. This business of womanhood is a heavy burden.

—Tsitsi Dangarembga

7. What a beautiful woman. She moved with grace, she was entirely feminine, and yet, she possessed incredible inner strength. She’s a survivor.

—Jan Moran

8. Every woman who appears wrestles with the forces that would have her disappear. She struggles with the forces that would tell her story for her, or write her out of the story, the genealogy, the rights of man, the rule of law. The ability to tell your own story, in words or images, is already a victory, already a revolt.

—Rebecca Solnit

9. Women’s work is never easy, never clean.

—Tayari Jones

10. Femininity is part of the God-given divinity within each of you. It is your incomparable power and influence to do good. You can, through your supernal gifts, bless the lives of children, women, and men. Be proud of your womanhood. Enhance it. Use it to serve others.

—James E. Faust

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8 Relationship Quotes

1. There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love.

—Bryanth H. McGill

2. Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.

—Lao Tzu

3. We can improve our relationships with others by leaps and bounds if we become encouragers instead of critics.

—Joyce Meyer

4. The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.

—Carl Jung

5. When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but creatures of emotion.

—Dale Carnegie

6. There is only one happiness in this life, to love and be loved.

—George Sand

7. Treasure your relationships, not your possessions.

—Anthony J. D’Angelo

8. Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.

—Carl Jung

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5 Parenting Quotes

1. Children are educated by what the grown-up is and not by his talk.

—Carl Jung

2. At the end of the day, the most overwhelming key to a child’s success is the positive involvement of parents.

—Jane D. Hull

3. There is no job more important than parenting. This I believe.

—Ben Carson

4. At every step the child should be allowed to meet the real experience of life; the thorns should never be plucked from his roses.

—Ellen Key

5. Loving a child doesn’t mean giving in to all his whims; to love him is to bring out the best in him, to teach him to love what is difficult.

—Nadia Boulanger

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The Psychology of Romantic Love

Most everyone wants to fall in love, especially codependents. To us, love is perhaps the highest ideal, and relationships give our lives meaning and purpose. They enliven and motivate us. A partner provides a companion when we have difficulty initiating action on our own. Being loved also validates our sense of self-esteem, overcomes shame-based doubts about our lovability, and soothes our fears of loneliness. But too often a beautiful romance turns sour. What was a wonderful dream becomes a painful nightmare. Ms. Perfect or Mr. Right becomes Ms. or Mr. Wrong. The unconscious is a mighty force. Reason doesn’t seem to stop us from falling in love, nor make it any easier to leave! Even when the relationship turns out to be toxic, once attached, ending the relationship is as hard as falling in love was easy!

The Chemistry of Romance and Falling in Love

Our brains are wired to fall in love—to feel the bliss and euphoria of romance, to enjoy pleasure, and to bond and procreate. Feel-good neurochemicals flood the brain at each stage of lust, attraction, and attachment.  Particularly dopamine provides natural high and ecstatic feelings that can be as addictive as cocaine. Deeper feelings are assisted by oxytocin, the “cuddle hormone,” released during orgasm. It’s directly linked to bonding and increases trust and loyalty in romantic attachments.

The Psychology of Romantic Love—Whom We Find Attractive

Psychology plays a role, too. Our self-esteem, mental and emotional health, life experiences, and family relations all influence whom we’re attracted to. Experiences, both positive and negative, impact our choices and make someone appear more or less attractive. For example, we might find commonality attractive, but avoid someone who cheated on an ex if that has happened to us before. We’re attracted to subtle physical attributes, albeit unconsciously, that remind us of a family member. More mysterious, we can be attracted to someone who shares emotional and behavioral patterns with a member of our family even before they become apparent.

The Ideal Stage of Romance

It’s true that we’re blinded by love. Healthy idealization is normal and helps us fall in love. We admire our beloved, are willing to explore our partner’s interests, and accept his or her idiosyncrasies. Love also brings out parts of our personality that were dormant. We might feel manlier or more womanly, more empathic, generous, hopeful, and more willing to take risks and try new things. In this way, we feel more alive, because we have access to other aspects of our ordinary or constricted personality. Additionally, in early dating, we’re usually more honest than down the road when we become invested in the relationship and fear speaking our truth might precipitate a breakup.

Although, healthy idealization doesn’t blind us to serious warning signs of problems, if we’re depressed or have low self-esteem, we’re more likely to idealize a prospective partner and overlook signs of trouble, such as unreliability or addiction, or accept behavior that is disrespectful or abusive. The neurochemicals of romance can lift our depressed mood and fuel codependency and love addiction when we seek a relationship in order to put an end to our loneliness or emptiness. When we lack a support system or are unhappy, we might rush into a relationship and become attached quickly before really knowing our partner.  This is also referred to as “love on the rebound” or a “transitional relationship” following a breakup or divorce. It’s far better to first recover from a breakup.

The Ordeal Stage of Romantic Love

After the initial ideal stage, usually starting after six months, we enter the ordeal stage as we learn more things about our partner that displease us. We discover habits and flaws we dislike and attitudes we believe to be ignorant or distasteful. In fact, some of the same traits that attracted us now annoy us. We liked that our mate was warm and friendly, but now feel ignored at social gatherings. We admired his bold and decisive, but learn he’s rude and close-minded. We were enchanted by her carefree spirit, but are now appalled by her unrealistic spending. We were captivated by his unfettered expressions of love and a promised future, but discover he’s loose with the truth.

Additionally, as the high wears off, we start to revert to our ordinary personality, and so has our partner. We don’t feel as expansive, loving, and unselfish. In the beginning, we may have gone out of our way to accommodate him or her, now we complain that our needs aren’t being met. We’ve changed, and we don’t feel as wonderful, but we want those blissful feelings back.

Two things happen next that can damage relationships. First, now that we’re attached and fear losing or upsetting our partner, we hold back feelings, wants, and needs. This puts up walls to intimacy, the secret sauce that keeps love alive. In its place we withdraw and breed resentments. Our feelings can come out sideways with sarcasm or passive-aggression. As romance and idealization fade, the second fatal mistake is to complain and try to turn our partner into who we first idealized him or her to be.  We feel cheated and disillusioned that our partner is now behaving differently than in the beginning of the relationship. He or she, too, is reverting to their ordinary personality that may include less effort made to win you and accommodate your needs. Our partner will feel controlled and resentful and may pull away.

In some cases, we might discover serious problems—that our partner has an addiction, mental illness, or his abusive or dishonest. These are issues that require a serious commitment to change and often years of therapy to overcome. Many codependents, who get quickly involved for the reasons stated above, will sacrifice their own happiness and continue in a relationship for years trying to change, help, and fix their partner. The dysfunctional family dynamics of their childhood often get repeated in their marriages and relationships. They may unconsciously be contributing to the problem, because they’re reacting to an abusive or controlling parent. Change requires healing our past and overcoming shame and low self-esteem to feel entitled to love and appreciation.

Getting to the Real Deal

We might not want to continue a relationship that involves addiction or abuse or has other serious problems. Lacking major obstacles, getting past the ordeal to the real deal requires self-esteem, courage, acceptance, and assertiveness skills. It necessitates the ability to honestly speak up about our needs and wants, to share feelings, compromise, and resolve conflict. Rather than try to change our partner, our efforts are better placed on learning to accept him or her. (This doesn’t mean accepting abuse.) This is the struggle for intimacy, and requires a commitment by both partners to get through the ordeal stage with mutual respect and a desire to make the relationship work.

Source link: https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-psychology-of-romantic-love/

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5 Grief Quotes

1. Grief is so human, and it hits everyone at one point or another, at least, in their lives. If you love, you will grieve, and that’s just given.

—Kay Redfield Jamison

2. Grief can’t be shared. Everyone carries it alone. His own burden in his own way.

—Anne Morrow Lindbergh

3. Grief is the price we pay for love.

—Queen Elizabeth II

4. Everyone can master a grief but he that has it.

—William Shakespeare

5. The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.

—Elizabeth Kubler-Ross & David Kessler